Guilt Ridden and Guilt Driven

So, I am severely disappointed with life. And here’s why: false advertisement. From day one, we are told about all the great stuff we can do and achieve in life and how awesome it is. But that’s not the truth. We’re told that if we work hard enough, we’ll get there. It’s just not the case. Some people get lucky and some don’t. People who have talent or skill or intelligence get lucky and get their dream job while others who don’t have talent or skill or intelligence also get lucky and get their dream job, but what about all the other people who have talent and skill and intelligence and don’t get their dream job? Is it because they didn’t try hard enough? Sometimes, I’m sure that’s exactly the case. But other times, I really doubt it. I know some hard working people who aren’t getting anywhere they want to be. And then they feel bad about themselves and feel disappointed with life and that they won’t get their fair share of fulfillment because they didn’t get the opportunities they dreamed of.

I feel like I am in that boat currently. I am young and have plenty more time for opportunities, but what if it never comes? And maybe if you read this, you’ll think, “she’s just not trying hard enough.” And alright, I’ll give you that- I don’t feel like I’m working to the bone to get what I want out of life, because at this point, I’m not exactly sure what that is. BUT I am working hard to just get a stable job. Well, not just any stable job but one that at least offers some mobility in the company for moving up, because I’m sitting here with a college degree on my hands and nothing but food service under my belt. Maybe you’re thinking I’m just a lazy slob who wants everything handed to them and isn’t willing to get some blisters from hard work. But I disagree. I am all for working hard… when the outcome at least matches the work put into it. How hard should I have to work to land an office temp job where I’ll be answering phones? And even if that leads down a career path with some kind of compensation- that isn’t even what I remotely want to do with my life. So where’s the big payoff? I’m just not feeling it.

I guess I’m a little confused just why there are so many books and stories and novels and movies and entertainment centered around fantastical adventures and swashbuckling tales if those things don’t happen. I am one of the biggest fans of the fantasy/sword-fighting/epic genre, really. I live to read those books and watch those movies. And there’s the problem. That’s what I want out of life. But it doesn’t exist. So am I just always going to be disappointed with everything because a dragon didn’t try to kill me or befriend me this month? I’m not sure. It might sound crazy, but really, even on a smaller scale, going back to the opening of this entry, being disappointed with life is close to inevitable when you’re taught to want more always. Parents and teachers are always telling their kids to reach for the stars, and that the sky’s the limit, and pushing them to want more for themselves but what if they just can’t reach that goal through no fault of their own? I want to make this next point very clear- in NO way am I saying we should tell our kids that they might not make it or that they can’t be what they want to be, or take away the fantasy/fiction genre in life. But maybe there should be a bigger focus on that fact that it’s ok if they don’t reach their goal. That they aren’t a loser or a failure in the big picture of life if they have a college degree and they’re sitting at home typing up a blog that no one reads and they’re still working in banquets serving other people food, and that if you never find that closet or get on the right in-between platform at the train station, it’s not for lack of trying. Frankly I think it’s too late for me, because it’s already been instilled in my brain that I should want more and that if I don’t get somewhere “acceptable” or really what I should say is “respectable”, it’s because I did something wrong and wasted my life. I’m definitely not an expert but I don’t want to feel this way and I want to prevent others from feeling it too. I don’t want my kids to grow up and feel as lost as I do.

It’s possible that the majority of people don’t feel like this and are perfectly happy where they are in life, but I still can’t shake the thought that I was somehow set-up for this inadvertently from an early age. What if I end up reaching my ultimate goal but still want more and there is nothing more to be had?

I’m in a rut in my life, as I previously stated in my last post. I want to do something and to go somewhere and be in a new culture and state of mind. Living in the same state my entire life just isn’t cutting it for me anymore. The farthest I’ve ever moved has been an hour an a half away from my hometown. My ideal place to travel would be MiddleEarth or Narnia or Hogwarts, but I don’t know how to get to those places yet (still searching for that closet though, or waiting at train station). The other problem is that I have no money to get to real places as it is. I can’t afford to just fly off to Italy for the week or hop over to England. But I want something more than that anyway. I don’t just want to go over there and site-see; I want to work there, live there, be a part of that culture. I know someone who is over in Russia right now teaching English and Art to kids there. And it hit me recently that it’s something I desperately want to do. If I could just get away from all of the things that are so normalized in my culture and experience something new and fresh, I think I would be so much happier and better off for the experience. I really want to do this. But I’m tied down with a lease and two roommates who are good friends of mine that I wouldn’t want to screw over and who I know would not welcome a strange sub-leaser into the home. I also have a boyfriend. I’ve been dating him for a year now, and we’ve recently started saying I love you. And I do love him. He’s great, he does a lot of things for me and he loves me. But I just don’t know if he’s the one. And there are somethings he doesn’t do that I’m not sure I’ll be able to live with the rest of my life. I don’t think he gets me as much as I need him to. So what do I do?

People never have the strength to do what they want to most in their lives. It is a reoccurring theme and whenever someone finally does get the courage to make a life-changing, bold decision, it’s often commented on and documented and people praise that person all the while wishing they had the strength to do it themselves. Why is that? Why are we so worried and tied down and scared of everything? I mean, what’s the worst that can happen? We’ll lose all our material things or a relationship we have will peter out? If that’s the case, then isn’t it just not meant to be in the first place? I just don’t know. Which is why I’m one of that scared percentage. Is it just the society we grew up in that made us think every change was scary and that “hard” things are to be feared the most? I kind of feel like it is. Sometimes when I read dystopic novels, like The Hunger Games or 1984 or Brave New World, I can’t help but think we’re really not that far from it. What are we doing with our lives?

I recently came to the realization that the thing that motivates me the most is guilt. And that really bothers me. Because one, I’m not Jewish (alright, alright, bad joke), and two, I don’t feel that it is a healthy or good motivator. I am in this stasis period of life that tends to happen (to some) right after graduating college and I can’t seem to find a good job in the area around me even though I put all this money and effort towards a degree. Granted it’s a degree that I don’t even really want anymore, since the field is something I’m averse to dedicating a career to, but it’s still a college degree from a BigTen University.

So what’s the problem? I know the economy, etc. etc. but I still feel like I am better than what I’m being offered (and just plain not offered) right now. Which leads me to the point of feeling guilty always. I suppose I fall somewhere in the middle of “lazy” and “go-getter.” I do some things, but not everything I possibly can to make my resume outstanding. So I feel guilty for that. I feel guilty that I’m not dedicating every second of every day to bettering myself in the eyes of society so that people will give me a chance. Every moment that I’m not spending looking for a better job or reading the news and finding out whats going on locally and world-wide or volunteering somewhere, I feel bad. But I just don’t know why. Is it because those are the things I really want to do and I’m mad at myself for not doing them? Or is it because those are the things that people respect and I have a compulsion to do them so that I am not judged harshly or incorrectly by society? Somehow I think it’s the latter. And then what kind of person does that make me? I only do the good things I do because I need that approval of other people, whether it be strangers or my closest friends and family, and the only real thing that eventually drives me to be a “better” person is the guilt building up to a point that I can’t possibly resist it so I just do it to calm my own self down and feel less stressed that there aren’t all these pressures on me anymore.

The funny, and ironic thing really, is that my “guilty pleasures” are so innocent and I can’t even believe I sit at home feeling guilty for doing them. Reading is my favorite hobby. But when I sit at home and read for hours on end, I feel guiltier by the second because I feel like someone will know that I wasn’t out doing whatever I could to get an awesome job or that I didn’t clean the entire house or that I didn’t do my own laundry and that is what eventually stops me from enjoying my time reading and drives me to clean the house, or fill out applications, or do my own laundry. I don’t do those things because I want to (and I’m sure no one really does) but I also don’t do them because “it’s what you’re supposed to do and I’m a responsible adult so I’ll do them.” I literally only do it to appease my conscience and stop the guilt.

I don’t want to be too overwhelming or “deep” in my first post so I’ll leave it at that but if you’re wondering where the rest of this is going, it will be a jambalaya of anything and everything that I think of.